Here I go again…again…

That song keeps going through my head as I type…

An’ here I go again on my own
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known,
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
An’ I’ve made up my mind
I ain’t wasting no more time

Okay, well, other than the line about being a drifter, this is how I feel.  I feel like I’ve started this journey 17 times already.. ugh.

But I’ve made up my mind, and I don’t want to waste any more time.

Today I called Cyndi. I told her that May 19 is my 3yr anniversary for G&S. I’m no where near where I wanted to be. She advised me to start journaling & praying in prep for a June 1 start date. No HCG; which confirms that Jake is right to not want me to do it again. Let me clarify, I’ve started protocol and quit so many times, and he’s seen me cry and be frustrated and feel like a failure.  He suggested not using drops this time and getting healthy together.  He’s a good man.

She also said I need a reason. Last time it was Josiah; I wanted a healthy pregnancy. This time it’s Josiah; I want to be healthy for him. I want to enjoy playing outside with him; not tolerate it. I want to feel comfortable at swim lessons with him; not self-concious.

I’ve just been eating whatever I want whenever I want and I feel like junk. I’m ready to feel good.

The journal thing is new for me.  I’m giving it a try.

And in case the song isn’t already stuck in your head…

here I go again…

for the 18th time.

Here I go…again

I’ve taken quite some time off blogging and truth be told, the same amount of time off focusing on my health/diet.  Over the summer it got so difficult to stay on track and travel, I was gone so much so I found myself cheating and gaining, then losing, then gaining, and the yo-yo was making me crazy.  As soon as I decided to quit for a while it was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.  I decided to just eat healthy and exercise and take my time… and then I didn’t.  It really creeps up on you; a pound here, a pound there, then the next thing you know you’re back to square one.  ugh

So I had a long talk last week with Cyndi about what I should do and how I was feeling.  She made a comment that I just can’t forget.  She said that it sounded like I was too busy taking care of everyone else but I needed to remember that if I don’t put the oxygen mask on myself first, no one else survives.  That hit me.  I fly all the time and I’ve learned that even a few seconds without cabin pressure can drastically harm you, that’s why they have you put your mask on before your children.  The time it takes to save them is the time it takes for you to die.  My initial thought was, “But I’m a mom and a wife and I have a ministry, they all have to come first.”  But I don’t think she was saying quit everything.  She was making a point that if I don’t take care of me, then the me that all those things are getting isn’t the me I want them to have, it isn’t the me they deserve.  She also reminded me that I need to remember how to love myself; if I love myself the way I love everyone else I’ll be just fine.

Okay. Message received.

So I decided to go back on the protocol.  I can do this.  I started loading yesterday morning on my way to church.  Then my pastor/brother preached this really cool sermon.  He put the disclaimer on it at the beginning that it was meant for men.  It’s called Men of Valor and he’s focusing on them, so the ladies could take a vacation.  And then he preached – directly to me.

You see, he started to talk about how men need to have personal purity and I know all about that because I have a husband.  We have safe guards on our internet and cable so no one can watch anything rated R or over without a passcode that only I know. It’s great. But then he began to talk about accountability partners and how they never really work and I was like, “what?”

One of two things happen with accountability partners, either you begin to lie to them so they don’t hold you accountable or they begin to lighten up on you because they don’t want to come down too hard.  When we rely on them to keep us “clean” so to speak, we begin to make excuses for our behavior, blaming our partner for not being there enough, or hard enough on us.

Now, I’ve never lied to Cyndi.  Not once.  But I sure have dodged a phone call, or taken 3 days to reply to a text because I don’t want to have to say whatever it is I need to say, like, “I pigged out, or gained 3 pounds.”  And I know I have definitely said the words, “Well, I wanted to order pizza and Jake didn’t stop me.”  It was like a loving slap in the face yesterday.  Because while I don’t have an issue with personal purity, I most certainly have a portion of my life… of my heart that is out of control again.  And I have blamed having a baby, having several jobs and ministries, my accountability coaches, Jake; everyone but the person really responsible.

Me. Message received.

I know some of you think I’m always too hard on myself, but I think as Christians we sometimes need to be.  We need to do a Spirit check and when we find something out of order, correct it.  We need to allow ourselves to be lovingly rebuked and then get our butts back on track.  I’m not beating myself up today, but the message has definitely been received.

The last thing John said yesterday that really got me was the scripture he read.

1 Corinthians 9:24-27  ”Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.  Everyone who competes in the game goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.  Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air.  No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.”

I beat my body and make it my slave.  Dang.

So here I go… again

amy

 

Stuff..

I know it’s been a while.  Sometimes I feel like I need to say a lot, and I don’t have time to just sit and write so I postpone it until it’s been several months.  Even today, I don’t really have time but I’m gonna make time for just a little post.
I went back on the protocol at the end of April, and man, is it hard. It’s totally different this time. My body is different. It’s very weird.  Finally in August I just had to take the month off because my travel was so crazy and I was yo-yo-ing like crazy; lose 5 pounds, go out of town and gain 2 back.
But I’m off the break now. One week in and I’m down like 5… I haven’t been adding up each day.  I just write down the new number and move on so it could be more.

I just want to share one thing: I thought I had grown past the place where I cried when clothes don’t fit, after all, I just had a baby.  And I found myself shopping a couple weeks ago and so discouraged.  Nothing fit! My body has changed so much.  I’ve always hated shopping, and each store I went to just got worse.  So I found myself in H&M and was really feeling like garbage and my husband called.  I was keeping it together until I heard his voice and right there in the middle of the store I started crying.  It was crazy.  I boo-hooed for a minute about how nothing fits and L doesn’t really mean Large and how I need to look cute at the Women of Faith events because all the other speakers are so beautiful and dress so great.  Then he responded with the sweetest encouragement. He told me that I’m beautiful, and I don’t have to look like anyone on that stage; God made me the way I am.  I already know all that in my head, but hearing it from him made all the difference.  Sometimes I just need my hubby to tell me I’m pretty.

Then I bought 5 shirts, because at H&M, L really does mean Large!
Anyways, I’ll try to post more often.

He’s 7 months old today! He’s getting so big!!

amy

I am not a failure

So, it occurred to me that a few days ago was the 2 year anniversary of my first journey through losing weight.  I looked back through my binder and on 5/20/2010 I started the Grace and Strength Diet protocol.  So I started thinking, “I wonder how well I’m doing this time versus last time.” In case you don’t know this about me, I’m a little competitive. So I thought, I would try to compete with my2010 self to get this weight off.  But I was sad to see that I’m not doing as well this time.  2010 Amy is winning and 2012 Amy is lagging!

I’ve been on the protocol for 28 days, that’s 4 weeks folks. At a pound a day average I should have lost 28 pounds by now.  2010 Amy had lost 26.4 pounds by day 28. 2012 Amy has only lost 19.  When I read that for a brief second I felt like a failure.  That little voice started to creep into my head, telling me that it’s not going to happen this time; that I’m going to fail.  Then I realized something: Failures don’t lose 19 pounds in 28 days; failures don’t lose 1 pound in 28 days; to fail something means to fall short of succeeding at it; well I am succeeding at it. To fail means to lose strength or become weak; well in Him I’m as strong as ever! To fail means to become deficient or insufficient; well that can never happen because where I end – He begins; where I lack – he supplies; where I am insufficient – He is MORE than sufficient to meet my needs.

It’s so different for me this time with Josiah and touring right off the bat and working. 2010 Amy had no baby and no shows for the first 6 weeks of the diet, so I could focus all my energy on losing weight.  2012 Amy is crazy busy! I work (3-4 days a week), I tour (did I tell you I’m going to Turkey this weekend?), I have Josiah (24/7 my cutey needy boy), I’m a youth pastor (planning 3 fundraisers and a summer camp), I’m a worship leader (planning a summer worship conference), oh yeah, and I’m trying to lose 100 pounds.  I’m a little tired just writing that!

One thing I learned the first time around was to give myself a break.  See, here’s where I’ve changed: 2010 Amy would have let those failure thoughts marinate for hours, maybe even days.  She would have let them take her into a big cheat, possibly even quitting.  She would have looked in the mirror and cried, “What is wrong with me??” But 2012 Amy knows who’s she is.  I know God’s love for me is unchanging whether I lose 19 pounds or 119. And know that I am beautiful even if I choose to not lose another ounce.  2012 Amy deserves a break because I’m doing everything I can, in my power to succeed.  That doesn’t mean I always make the right choice. Let’s not talk about the slice of pizza I had last night, then Cyndi called me 5 minutes later and I had to confess.  It’s like the Holy Spirit told her to call me before I ate another piece, which I was contemplating because I was tired and lazy and didn’t feel like cooking. But I have to choose every day if I want this for myself and how hard I’m willing to work at it.  And I know that God will meet me there. He will do something like send Cyndi to call me right when I’m about to fall.  I don’t consider eating that slice of pizza a big mistake. But the thoughts that came after it like, “Well, now I’ve screwed up, I might as well eat a bunch and enjoy it,”  those were mistakes and if she hadn’t called when she did I probably would have indulged a lot more.  I know that God will be with me in Turkey and not just for my eating schedule, but to keep us safe and bless the work we’re doing there.

If you are someone who constantly beats themselves up for little mistakes or not succeeding as well as you thought you would I want to encourage you today.  You are not a failure.  Just get up, brush off yesterday and take one step forward.  Some days that’s all we can do, and that’s okay. Some days you just gotta stay where you are, and that’s okay too.  And if you happen to be someone who’s realized that they moved backwards, that’s okay too. It’s not the end of the world.  You still have time to make a change.

Look at me. I’m on my second round of this because I ate like a crazy person when I was pregnant. And that’s okay too.  But I’m making a change.

amy

Starting Over

Hey there! I know it’s been ages. I keep saying that I need to blog, but I have so much to say that I don’t have time to say it all, so I’m just going to bullet point it all for you:

December 2011:

• Awesome, busy Story Tour! Got nicknamed “Waddle Waddle” because I was a million months pregnant and apparently waddled every where
• Put an offer on a house; closed while I was on tour; my family painted and moved me in. I came home from tour to my new house!
• Christmas was awesome. We had it at my house 6 days after I got home from the tour

January 2012

• Put the finishing touches on the house

• Found out Josiah was still breach; tried everything, including chiropractic techniques and a version to turn him with no success

February 2012

• Feb 6, 2012 had a C-section and had my gorgeous baby boy!!!

• Breastfeeding was horrible.  Every time I did it was like torture. He wasn’t getting enough, I would cry and tell Jake, “My boobies don’t work!”

March 2012

• Quit breastfeeding and then found out Josiah is lactose intolerant.  Once I put him on soy he became the most perfect baby!
• March 11, 2012 we had his dedication at church

• March 16, 2012 he took his first trip. Jake and I took him to Alabama for a family wedding, then up to Nashville to meet everyone there.

• March 30, 2012 – I took him on his first Selah tour to Canada! He loved it and was so good. His Aunty Lexi, otherwise known as “Branty” came with us and helped out.

April 2012

• I went back to work. but I get to bring him to the office every Tuesday, so that’s fun.
• We had a few Selah shows and we got to spend some time in Nashville recording.
• We spent Easter with Selah at Seaworld

May 2012

• Business as usual!  He’s such a good baby.  I left him for the first time last weekend. I was only gone 31 hours but it felt like an eternity!!
• I have to go to Istanbul on the 26th and I’m leaving him with Daddy for 4 nights. It will be very hard for me, but he’s going to have so much fun. He LOVES his daddy. It’s so cute to watch his reaction when Jake comes in the room.

 

So the title of my post is about my diet.  Yeah, I’m starting over.  I let myself go Carb crazy while I was pregnant, now I’m paying for it.  I don’t know how but all the weight went to my legs!!  Anyways, I’m back on the protocol and I have to be honest, it’s a lot harder this time around. I’m not losing as fast and I’m just tired all the time so that adds stress to it.

I’m down like 11 right now, when I should be down 20, but that’s ok.  Each day is a new opportunity to work harder and get this weight off.

I’ll keep you posted!

amy

 

I’m finally blogging again!

I just realized it’s been 3 months since I blogged.  Life is crazy!  I haven’t really enjoyed being pregnant, so I guess that makes blogging hard because I feel like everything is a complaint.  So, instead of complaining, I’m going to tell you what I like about being pregnant:

Food.

Um… I know there’s more here…

Josiah kicking me (which he does all day, now).

Yeah, that about sums it up.  I’ve been traveling a lot and so I don’t have all the energy I’m supposed to have. Plus we’re trying to buy a house, which should have been easy since we’ve found 3 in the last 3 months, but all three have been out bid by other buyers and we’ve lost them.  That’s a little annoying.  Right now we’re in a one bedroom apartment so we’ve got to do something soon.

I think the hardest part has been the weight gain.  I knew I would gain weight, but it still doesn’t feel good.  I actually can’t wait until I get go back on Grace & Strength and get back into my old clothes.  Ah! How nice to be referring to “old clothes” and it be smaller ones!   I can’t go back on it, though, until I’m done nursing and my plan is to try to nurse for at least 6 months.  So, it looks like some time next summer… patience.

My OB is a group of ladies and I’ve been meeting different ones each visit and my October visit sucked.  She basically berated me for my “excessive weight gain.” I told her that was kind of a shock considering that at my last visit one of the other doctors said, “Your weight’s great.”  Hmmm… When Jake and I left, even he commented on how mean she was. I cried all the way home.  Needless to say, I’ll not be seeing her again, and when I went for “weight follow-up” I made the appointment with the really nice doctor and told her how I felt about the mean one.  I didn’t spend the hardest year of my life losing 85 pounds so my doctor can make me feel bad about myself.  But, taking what she said into consideration, I probably need to cut the carbs.

Boo

Some days all I want is toast and cereal and I have to force myself to eat protein and veggies.  I haven’t craved anything but bread since the very beginning.  It sucks.

So, anyone have any tasty low carb suggestions?And don’t say Greek Yogurt, cuz I could barf just typing it.

Oh, and since the Grace & Strength diet, I’ve hardly had salt.  I don’t use any at home when I cook and very little when I’m out. I can’t even eat chips anymore, they gross me out.  But last week I was craving pepperoni and black olive pizza, so I had some; big mistake.  Check this out:

The next morning, that is what I woke up to!  I freaked out!  So I drank extra water all day, then elevated my feet all evening, made Jake rub them, and had NO SALT the whole day.  I’ve always reacted poorly to salt, but this was crazy.  Is pepperoni and black olive really worth it?  No! So, after my evening of rest my ankles went back to normal and I’ve sworn off salty foods.

Anyways, this is my pregnancy so far:

• Josiah kicks a lot but won’t kick anyone but me.  Every time Daddy puts his hands on my tummy he stops.  The little turkey.  My sister, Lexi, finally got one, but that was all. He stopped immediately after.
•  I still cry for no reason; that’s weird, but I’m learning to feel it coming so at least it’s not a crazy outburst.
• I have severe road rage
• Ligament pains; that’s a whole other blog post…torture
• Plus-size skinny maternity jeans?  Stupid idea.
• Random barfing from highly sensitive smell and gag reflex – this one is fun, I’ll have to tell you some time about my road trip with Todd from Selah… poor guy.
• Sleeping sitting up; poor Jake.  I take up 3/4 of the bed with all my pillows and couch cushions.
• My baby bump: not so much a bump, but two. It’s really strange.  I think since I was chunky when I started,  my two belly chunks have grown individually rather than as one cute bump. I’m not going to show a picture.
• My hubby loves my crazy belly. He rubs it and kisses it and tells Josiah all the nerdy things he wants to teach him.  He tells me I’m gorgeous and actually looks at me like I really am.  It makes me feel amazing.

Here’s my little man! And what we’re bringing him home from the hospital in.

amy

I’m a little bit crazy

You think it’s never going to happen to you.   People share their pregnancy stories  and you think, “That won’t happen to me.”  And then it does.

Last Monday was a day like any other day.  I got up at 5:30 am, worked all day, and got home at 5 for chores.  We got home late because Jake had to run an errand that I wasn’t particularly interested in running, so it make me a little cranky.  Then we got home and had piles of laundry and no food in the house, except my excessively large stash of sugar free pudding.  So I started the laundry and asked Jake to keep an eye on it while I went grocery shopping.  So far, so good.

I got home from the grocery store and put all the groceries away and realized I was cramping a bit just as the timer went off for the dryer.  Now, keep in mind we live in an apartment and the laundry room is a good jaunt from our place AND our laundry basket is cumbersome and heavy.  So I said to Jake, “Can you please go get the laundry, I’m just too tired and crampy.”  To which he replied, “No.”  This is a typical Jake answer to the laundry request. He hates laundry. But even though he says, “No” every time, he goes out and gets it for me, every time.   So I replied, “Baby, I’m cramping I can’t get it, please…”  We went back and forth a couple of times before he finally said, “Fine, but if I burn dinner it’s on you.”  Then he left.  Still, so far so good.  It’s what happened when he left that got things a little crazy.

He let the door slam.  It broke my heart.  I burst into tears.

I sat their unable to stop myself from crying. Then I was embarrassed and didn’t want him to see me crying like an insane person, so I went and hid in our closet, thinking, “He won’t come in here.”  Of course, he came back in the apartment, saw me missing and came looking.  When he found me in the closet he tried to come to me and hold me. He reached out to hug me and all I wanted was for him to hold me while I cried, so I said, “Leave me alone!”  Then I realized I was yelling at  him, so I shouted (as he fled) “It’s not your fault!”  Then I cried harder because he left and didn’t hold me.  Even though that’s what I asked him to do.

The more I tried to stop crying the harder I cried. My brain was saying, “You are out of your mind,” but I couldn’t stop.  So, I decided to let it flow.  I went out to fold the laundry and sat on the couch hiccuping and sucking in sobs like a 5 year old.  Jake came in from the patio where he was grilling and said, “Baby, what’s wrong.” Then I started crying again.  I could barely explain to him how it hurt my feelings that he slammed the door, and then he didn’t hold me when I told him to go away and I knew that I sounded like a crazy person but I couldn’t stop crying.

He just laughed, got down on his knees in front of me, reached out to hug me, and said, “…And then one time I threw fake vomit over the balcony at the theater and make the sound, ‘huah, huah’ then everyone started vomitting…” in a perfect likeness to Chunk from Goonies and it was adorable.  Only my goofy husband would think to quote a dorky 80′s movie to make me laugh when I couldn’t stop crying.

Then I cry/laughed while he hugged me and told me he loved my crazy moments because they provide him with so much amusement.

So, I guess I too am susceptible to the emotional roller coaster of baby hormones.  I’m just glad I have such a great hubby to hold me and make me laugh when I need it most.

amy