I am not a failureMay 22, 2012
So, it occurred to me that a few days ago was the 2 year anniversary of my first journey through losing weight. I looked back through my binder and on 5/20/2010 I started the Grace and Strength Diet protocol. So I started thinking, “I wonder how well I’m doing this time versus last time.” In case you don’t know this about me, I’m a little competitive. So I thought, I would try to compete with my2010 self to get this weight off. But I was sad to see that I’m not doing as well this time. 2010 Amy is winning and 2012 Amy is lagging!
I’ve been on the protocol for 28 days, that’s 4 weeks folks. At a pound a day average I should have lost 28 pounds by now. 2010 Amy had lost 26.4 pounds by day 28. 2012 Amy has only lost 19. When I read that for a brief second I felt like a failure. That little voice started to creep into my head, telling me that it’s not going to happen this time; that I’m going to fail. Then I realized something: Failures don’t lose 19 pounds in 28 days; failures don’t lose 1 pound in 28 days; to fail something means to fall short of succeeding at it; well I am succeeding at it. To fail means to lose strength or become weak; well in Him I’m as strong as ever! To fail means to become deficient or insufficient; well that can never happen because where I end – He begins; where I lack – he supplies; where I am insufficient – He is MORE than sufficient to meet my needs.
It’s so different for me this time with Josiah and touring right off the bat and working. 2010 Amy had no baby and no shows for the first 6 weeks of the diet, so I could focus all my energy on losing weight. 2012 Amy is crazy busy! I work (3-4 days a week), I tour (did I tell you I’m going to Turkey this weekend?), I have Josiah (24/7 my cutey needy boy), I’m a youth pastor (planning 3 fundraisers and a summer camp), I’m a worship leader (planning a summer worship conference), oh yeah, and I’m trying to lose 100 pounds. I’m a little tired just writing that!
One thing I learned the first time around was to give myself a break. See, here’s where I’ve changed: 2010 Amy would have let those failure thoughts marinate for hours, maybe even days. She would have let them take her into a big cheat, possibly even quitting. She would have looked in the mirror and cried, “What is wrong with me??” But 2012 Amy knows who’s she is. I know God’s love for me is unchanging whether I lose 19 pounds or 119. And know that I am beautiful even if I choose to not lose another ounce. 2012 Amy deserves a break because I’m doing everything I can, in my power to succeed. That doesn’t mean I always make the right choice. Let’s not talk about the slice of pizza I had last night, then Cyndi called me 5 minutes later and I had to confess. It’s like the Holy Spirit told her to call me before I ate another piece, which I was contemplating because I was tired and lazy and didn’t feel like cooking. But I have to choose every day if I want this for myself and how hard I’m willing to work at it. And I know that God will meet me there. He will do something like send Cyndi to call me right when I’m about to fall. I don’t consider eating that slice of pizza a big mistake. But the thoughts that came after it like, “Well, now I’ve screwed up, I might as well eat a bunch and enjoy it,” those were mistakes and if she hadn’t called when she did I probably would have indulged a lot more. I know that God will be with me in Turkey and not just for my eating schedule, but to keep us safe and bless the work we’re doing there.
If you are someone who constantly beats themselves up for little mistakes or not succeeding as well as you thought you would I want to encourage you today. You are not a failure. Just get up, brush off yesterday and take one step forward. Some days that’s all we can do, and that’s okay. Some days you just gotta stay where you are, and that’s okay too. And if you happen to be someone who’s realized that they moved backwards, that’s okay too. It’s not the end of the world. You still have time to make a change.
Look at me. I’m on my second round of this because I ate like a crazy person when I was pregnant. And that’s okay too. But I’m making a change.