h1

Desperate

February 21, 2011

There’s so much to write, I couldn’t fit it all in one post, so I’ll spread it out. The cruise was amazing!! I had so much fun. Our camera broke, so when I have the pics back, I’ll post about the cruise.

The photo shoot was so fun. I felt pretty, I looked pretty; the clothes are awesome. A huge thank you to Anna Redmon, our stylist and her assistant Lissa and Edward the hair and makeup guy; they really made me feel great. I’ll post when I have some pictures to show you.

Now on to what you’re probably wondering… how much weight did I gain on the cruise? Well, I’ve been off the protocol for 21 days; I quit the drops on Feb 1. The deal is, you’re supposed to be very strict with phase 3 of the diet and not gain more than 2 pounds the whole time you’re off. On Feb 1 I weighted 200.6. I don’t know if you remember, but I had some family stress and was gaining weight even though I was eating strict and I was super stressing out. I’m just going to be honest with you, I didn’t do so well on the reset this month.

Today I weighted 216. You can close your mouth. It’s okay. I’m not freaking out. I should be. Normally I would be. But I’m not. I knew this was coming because I let it all go on the boat but I think I needed it. While I was on the boat I had a conversation with Mike Weaver (the lead singer for Big Daddy Weave) and since losing 90 pounds in 2009, he’s struggled with getting the rest of the weight off and so he was interested in discussing the Grace & Strength diet with me. While we were talking I told him how I couldn’t stop pigging out on the boat. I told him that these last few months that have been so hard for me have felt like prison, and I feel like the boat is my last little oasis before I go back to prison and he said something that really resonated with me. He said, “Yeah, it’s like desperate eating everyday.” And I thought, yeah, it’s like I have to eat everything I can because I’ll never be able to eat like this again, EVER. Once I’m at my goal weight I can never have 2 desserts at dinner, or pizza at 2 in the morning, NEVER. So I was desperate to get it all in while I could.

Twisted, right?

This diet has been an amazing journey. It’s changed my life for the better. But I don’t think it’s designed for someone to be on for 9 months. I needed the crazy cruise binge. I know that probably sounds horrible, but I needed to be able to eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted just one more time because I needed to remember what brought me here in the first place. Desperation. I needed to be reminded of how I ended up on this journey.

The word desperate means: having a great need or desire for something

On May 17, 2010 I had a great need to lose 100 pounds; I had a great need to become spiritually healthy when it concerned food; I had a great need to have some discipline in my life and become who God really called me to be. On May 17, 2010 I was desperate. I stood on that scale at 282 pounds and I knew I wasn’t who I was supposed to be. I was desperate to be healthy, I was desperate to be different. I had a desire to change. Over the last 9 months I’ve lost some of that desperation. I’ve gotten used to little cheats here and there, and my discipline has wavered. I could have enjoyed that cruise just as much if I hadn’t eaten everything in sight. I could have said no to dessert or 2am pizza. But I didn’t and now I have to work that much harder to get to my goal. But it’s okay, because today I am desperate.

Desperate to finish this race.
Desperate to make the goal I set almost a year ago.
Desperate to stop letting my flesh control me.

Thanks for your support throughout this journey. I’ve needed you and I’m sure I will continue to need you.

BTW, Jake just walked in and I told him how much I gained and now every time he walks passed me he just says, “Sixteen??” I guess that seems crazy to him because he only gained 3 pounds on the cruise. I love him. Jerk.

Advertisements

6 comments

  1. I agree with the desperation and even though I have not lost the weight I wanted to lose, I also can look at past pictures and see that I have lost some weight. And I am healthier because of it. I also thought about getting that book Angie Smith had on her blog – Made to Crave. I have to constantly focus myself on craving God vs food, cuz I love to eat!!


  2. Dear Amy

    Hang in there! We’ve all had those moments where we’ve let food take control. You’ll get to your goal. Remember, you’ve lost a tremendous amount of weight already and nine months is NOT a long time, it’s a short time to loose the amount of weight that you have.

    Thanks for being so honest and sharing so much of your struggles and success. Bless you and hugs (even though you don’t know me at all) 🙂


  3. Amy-

    Glad you’re being honest with yourself. I know that I’ve been dishonest with myself for a long time and it has only made me fatter. I think a lot of overweight people could agree with me. So I think as long as you are continuing to be REAL with your emotions and your journey, this weight will not OWN you anymore! You go girl (as cliche as that sounds)… I am praying for you!!!

    Jill


  4. Amy,
    I was on the cruise with you . I just wanted to tell you how much it meant to me to hear you speak about your weight & see that all women have the same struggles with their body but I think we need to be proud of who we are. We should try to get healthy but not for any man or cause society says we are fat but because we want to do it for ourselves to make ourselves feel better. You are a beautiful woman & I LOVED your black shirt that kinda looked like a fan when you raised your arms you wore one night when you peformed in the circuit lounge. Where did you get it ??lol

    God Bless & take care,

    Nichole


  5. Amy~ I wanted to email you, but couldn’t get it to work. I just want to encourage you that this journey doesn’t have to be so hard. Not sure what Cyndi Benson’s protocol for the hcg diet is, but my natural doctor put me on it last fall. I weighed 230 lbs after completing a year of breast cancer treatments at the end of 2009. I was also desperate! I love the Lord and had heard about hcg a couple of times (one was from your blog). Anyway, 40 days is the max that you are suppose to stay on it. I lost 33 pounds in 40 days. I maintained thru the holidays (PTL) and then had a stressful January and gained 8 lbs from sheer binging. I know there are deeper issues I must deal with regarding food. I started my 2nd round of homeopathic hcg last month and have lost 25 lbs in 26 days. Am only going to do the prescribed 40 day max. I never cheat because I want to DO IT and BE DONE! I would encourage you to look at http://www.poundsandinchesaway.com and print Dr. Simeons protocol. Do not deviate from his rules. It works like pure science and I give God all the glory because, after all, He created this hormone. I’ll be praying for you. You can do it!! You can see my before and after pics on facebook. Juli Olson Turnbow


  6. Hey there Amy! I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life…54 waist in high school down to a 34 waist in college(after an eating disorder) and now a 40. God has been their through it all..but I hardly look to Him when it comes to this issue..I usually view it as my issue. Anyways. Have you been following Mandisa’s weight loss?? She is super inspiring…you gotta check it out.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: